moving from home so i wont get threatened

my ex teacher recomended m to write a note,
for now ill just say whats been happening lately and few things from the past
i was like 12 yrs old and always shy, wore long sleeve at school because i was cold, mom took advantage of that and there was a time when she would pinch my arms neatr shoulders when ever she would takeme to the restroom because she was mad, she didnt want to leave the conversation mom and grandma were having but i had to go to the restroom,, when i was 13 and 14 i had hard times making mom bathe me because she dint want to leave the phone, i told her, if you dont bathe me i will, it was hard gettin in the bathtub, i wish we had hiddn cameras so you woul believe me, i tried for an hr gtting in there all sweating and tired cuz i had no grabbars, she was outside laughing having a conversation on fone, i used to like to take a shower eveyday so i tryed to get her to bathe me, after an hr i was all tired and crying there she would hung up the fone and bathe me, and she would say,u dont need to do all this.
i used to like to clean the kitchen floor with a mop, dishes, clean my room and moms room, all for fun because i liked cleaning then i started to notice mom saw me as her slave and didnt gaved me money from my check so i stopped doing that, when i finished univ at 19 or 20 i started to lose everything like muscles, desires to keep making mom bathe me because i couldnt by myself, and i started to eat less because mom would only cook once or twice, what ever i would ask for she would ignore..now i dont even bother asking for my money becausse she she wont give me anyway
when i was about 20 or 24 i dont remember, mom and her sister went to the mall and left me alone with my brothers and cousin, and my blind grandma... one of my cousins came to me and starting touching my boobs for hours, i puked 2 times and he was still touching me, no one saw because they were busy playing in another room,, grandma was blind..... when mom came i was all mad and she said 'oh u puked'.. later at night i told her what happend. she didnt report him to the police, she just called her sister so they wouldnt come anymore untill 'i have forgotten that', thats when i started not to go out of my room because also, a cousin of dad wanted to do the same ouside at night, mom went inside leavingme alone,
im mad at mom for that too cuz she left me alone, she would always leave me alone with grandma and brothers, and would say' grandma will take care of u while i come back ' grandma is blind she couldnt take care of me when my cousin touched me,
me and grandma would fight alot becaue she slept in my room and i slept in the living room, i told my sister i wanted my room back, she made mom give me back my room, i took the junk out and i had $300 saved, when ever my head hurted mom would give me medicine and it would make me sleep, whenn i was aslep she would take $ from me, and i thought it was a dream, later i had no money, i knw it was her cuz she doesnt lets anyone get in my room and always aware of what i have how much i have, what i do, who i talk to. so she knew eactly how much i had left.
she would see a witch and do witchcraft so dad woul love her.. i had to give her the whole money i had earned because mom would threaten me saying 'ill tell her to do something to u if u dont give me $', all shehad to do is send her one of my clothes
when granda left back to mexico i had my room again, me and mom were cleaning my room she got mad cuz i wanted her junk boxes out of my room, she threatened me with covering the window with boxes if i dont stop talking and making my room smaller by adding a 'closet 'so she can put her junk there, i felt like she was trying to lock me in my room wth no light.
the reason why she wants to help me is so i wont be able to move on, if i move on, she and dad dont recieve my check.....they dont even give me $ from my check, they say, its gone, wehad to pay the bills.. she wants to earn more money by beeing my provider, and expects me to be happy about it..
if she doesnt givs me from my own check,, u think i will be happy if she earns more>? by 'helping' me?..... shes not helpingme, shes helping herself earn more money
im 2008 i think, or 2009 i went to the living room and crawled on the couch, she said what are you doing in MY living room, go back to your room..
she thinks she owns it all, and i own nothing not even my check..in 2009 or 2010 she said 'u dont need money,, for what? u cant do anything'
when family members come to visit, mom acts nice with me 'sandy do you want this and that?' so they think im been treated good
i dont want her to be my provider because she wont change, everything will be the same, the only difference is that she will EARN MORE money, and i wont get any of it
my sister was the one who brought me a laptop because the college gaved me money.if it wasnt for my sister, mom would have given dad my college money thinking that way dad would love her more
mom is normal nice most of the time,
one time, she worked as a provider of 2 old women, she would take care of them in their house.one of them lived with an aunt near by..when she came home i asked her for food, and to bathe me sometimes, and she would say 'u sound like the lady im taking care of, i want this and that and u move too slow like that lady'.. i said 'u must be so traumatize cuz u always compare me with her everytime i ask for help'
today i could hear the whole story mom and an aunt were talking about on the phone that another aunt took care of an old lady for many years, the old lady recivved check and my aunt would slap her everytime she would ask for her own money....later on the old lady stopped asking for her money because she knew she woul be slapped.....
thats what mom did to me, instead of slapping m she woud say 'yes yes i'll give u... or someother excuse like 'i have to pay the bills'' but she would never give me
she started being nicer these 3yrs but because i told sister i wanted to move away from mom because she doesnt gives me my money, and more evil stuff like she pretended i was a cockroach she saw and was gonna kill, when she killed it she said, ther no way your going to escape, and laughed, i said.. it s just a cockroach, but i knew she was talking to me, shes evil like that
i would like to live away from her, i would have my own money from my check finally so i can buy thingsi like, i would be a good cook if i have all the ingredients and recipe if its not something simple,
shes nice but since im th handicap she takes advantage and that makes her control me and make everybody think am still a baby and i dont need my money
now that i went to evaluation, she said shes going to ask for a new kitchen also because i cant get in there its too small, thats her excuse, i dont know how to explain this but ill try,, shes using me so they make her a new kitchen saying that i wil get involved in cooking with her, but its not true, she said she knows i'll not go to the kitchen, she just wants new
even though shes nicer than before i still remembr everything that happend, she protects me from other people but not from her, she thinks if other people can take advantage of me why not her instead, this year or late 2010 dad said 'if it wasnt for us you wouldnt be american and recieved check'.. and i said if it wasnt for ME you wouldt be receiving my check, i dont even get part of it... im not afraid of dad because hes not home with me 24/7 and mom has told me many times in the past that he wants dad to be 'crazy 'so she would recieve check from him also,,shes scary i wanna get away from her, but its dads fault too that mom behaves that way because he cheats on her, but still i shouldnt have to pay for that
when i think mom finally will change for good she doesnt, she made dad get mad at me because she lied that i said something i didnt, i dnt know who dad believed but i cryed and pucked, shes the reason i puke alot
i still lovemom when shes nice but im afraid for myself because years being like that im afraid i go crazy someday and thats when i'll have no chance of getting out of my house and mom will be more delighted to keep receiving evn more money or free things to sell
she sells my pampers $3 each i heard her talking to one of my aunts on the phone about that
why God made me.. to live like a normal human or to be a rock and help bad ppl but not my self
even if im afraid i rather be in other place than with parents